I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. -John 15:5
It wasn’t our best conversation.
Not by a long shot. It was getting a little loud and little pushy on both sides. We’d been “not arguing” the whole way to the mall last night. You know what that’s like, the talking loudly and opinionatedly about topics we may or may not care that strongly about. I honestly cannot even remember what the topic was that was getting so heated. And hey, I’ll admit it. It felt good to assert my opinion over his and to only listen to his side in order to produce counterpoint after counterpoint. And we were both hungry. So, there’s that.
By the time we were sitting in the Cheesecake Factory it had elevated to opinions about how I’ve been living my life. Due to our work situation we’ve been separated physically for about 4 months. I’ve been tired, no exhausted, for about a month and found out recently that I was sick which is what is the primary cause. But my husband also took this opportunity to remind me that one of the dogs waking me up in the middle of the night wasn’t helping nor was the fact that I often wake up at 4:00 A.M. in order to get a private Bible study in with the King before my day starts. In other words, he hit on my two favorite things. Time with Jesus and my dogs. And I’m so tired right now, working and fixing the new, fixer-upper house, and I only had two weeks with him before he needed to return back home, so there’s a tinge of desperation in our time together. Did I mention I was hungry and that the food hadn’t come out yet? I felt tears start to fill my eyes.
My feelings were saying, “He’s judging you! He doesn’t understand or care about your sickness! He’s not doing all these things on his own! Make—no, force—him to understand!”
Darn pushy feelings. They get so bossy and insistent.
And I’d missed my Bible Study time two days in a row due to work-related anxiety. Instead of studying with the Lord, I was practicing a presentation. So before I began sobbing and crying and having mucus run down my face in front of all those nice fellow diners, I looked down at the tablecloth and thought, “Lord, help me. I’m so tired. I don’t want to fight. Tell me what to say.”
And He gave me these words (trust me, Feelings had other plans):
I told Husband that yes, I am tired. I’m anxious about this new job starting and that’s why I’ve been getting up earlier to prepare and also try and spend time with him at night as he adjusts to a new time zone. And yes. I have to take my littlest dog out sometimes in the middle of the night. But I’m also upset I missed two days with the source of all my patience and peace and that I wasn’t fully centered and that’s why I was having a hard time communicating with him tonight. I was disconnected from my vine.
And friend, something shifted.
I'm not using that word lightly. His energy changed in response to my words. My husband took my hand and told me some really sweet and really caring things. Things that feed the soul of a wife. He encouraged me to consider blocking out time in the afternoon instead of the morning for Bible study, that he would take the dogs out for a walk to give me space when asked. That I was his number one priority and his opinions were coming from a place of concern; a fear about me finally running out of energy and something bad happening. Like having an accident when I’m driving.
We both apologized for our parts in the communication breakdown and then we had an amazing dinner with, of course, a lemon meringue cheesecake. Because God wants to be invited into more than just the blessing before we eat. He wants to be invited into our mess-y and our fight-y and even our hangr-y. And when we trust Him with those feelings, when we give up the temporary gratification of allowing the feelings to take control, we get to witness His awesome love for us.
And here’s the so what, He gave me exactly what my soul craved from my husband in that moment, even though my feelings were telling me I craved something different. It surprised me! And I’m sure He used my words to connect with my husband in a meaningful way. And it woke me up (hah) to how set in my ways I’ve become with regards to my worship time. God doesn’t want to be just slotted into a time period and then--like my workout--if missed to be put off until the next time slot appears. He wants to be in every moment of every day. I am so thankful that our God is our God and I am so thankful he stuck me with this man in this life.
This final Quote from Corrie Ten Boom reminds me of the serious business that is meeting with our King. Girls, I want that kind of power.
Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it. A man is powerful on his knees.
Thoughtful Questions: What time is your meeting with the King on a daily basis? What happens if you miss it? I would love to hear how you handle the daily need of refreshment from the vine when mixed with an unpredictable schedule.